Expectation Hangover
How To Build Resilience and Determination
What is expectation hangover and how can you overcome expectation hangovers? Having worked with many high achievers and being one myself, I know exactly what expectation hangovers feel like and what we can do to overcome them. The core notion and the core idea behind expectation hangover is that when you have a certain goal or project and you don't reach it and you feel this bitter disappointment, this is a typical expectation hangover.
In this article, let’s explore: the correlation between expectation hangover and the arrival fallacy, what are the signs of expectations hangovers and what you can do to master it and build resilience!
The Arrival Fallacy
This can also happen when you actually accomplish your project: when you finally reach your goal and then you don't have the feeling that you thought you would have. For example, you are finally the president of your club or you finally become the CEO of that company or you finally launch your own business or you finally become a millionaire and you're not satisfied or fulfilled - this is also expectation hangover. This is directly correlated to the arrival fallacy: this notion that: ‘When I finally reach the top of the mountain, I'll be happy.’ This doesn't work out. There are many reasons why this doesn't work out.
First and foremost, because you're placing expectations onto the future and you're not living it now.
Also, how can you finally be happy at a given place if all through the journey you're not feeling happy? Because then you're not developing and cultivating the emotions around joy and gratitude and happiness on a regular basis. And then when you just reach another point, your body, emotionally, physically isn't used to producing these emotions. So why would you suddenly feel happy when you reach that goal?
This is something I struggled with a lot which is why I've written about it a lot. The way I used to function because I'm extremely goal driven, was to just push through the journey in order to reach the goal and then be constantly disappointed and have a expectation hangover when my emotions wouldn't be what I thought they would be when I reached that goal.
Funnily enough, when this happens, the strategy, of most high achievers is just to set another goal, falsely believing that ‘this time, it will work!’
No, it doesn't work. It doesn't work with the smaller goals, the bigger goals. Of course, if you're creating an entire transformation in your life, maybe becoming healthier for instance or changing radically your career, yes, that might lead to joy and happiness but then it's a whole process. It's not just reaching the end goal that brings joy. It's the change in identity, the change in your environment.
All of these things add up and bring that happiness and joy, but it's not just that sudden change and it's not just suddenly achieving and reaching that goal.
When it comes to the arrival fallacy, which I covered in depth HERE and HERE, it’s all about:
Setting exciting goals as a direction in order to ENJOY the process
Celebrating small wins along the way
Noticing when you are ‘pushing’ and going against the present moment
Practising presence and mindfulness
Appreciating each step of the way - yes, all while being ambitious, and taking huge leaps forward!
Happiness Equation
So what can you do when it comes to expectations hangover? How can you deal with either the feeling of disappointment once you have reached the goal and you're not as happy as you want it to be or also equally the feeling of disappointment when you don't reach the goal?
We already covered what to do when you reach the goal and don’t get the feelings you were hoping you would (as explained in the Arrival Fallacy above), now let’s explore how you can deal with not reaching your goal, or at least not in the way you wanted to.
Maybe this was something that you really really wanted your entire life: to be a professional ballerina and you don't get into that dancing school. Or you really wanted to be able to buy that that house for your family and you're not able to afford that house, etc. What do you do then?
And, obviously, there are some examples that maybe speak a lot more to you and your own life depending on your circumstances, where you live, the type of work you have, but the idea stays the same. What do you do when you are disappointed by the results?
Here’s the process to overcome expectation hangovers:
The process is correlated to Tony Robbins’ equation of happiness: LC= BP,
Life Conditions equals Blueprint. Life condition is your current reality, what you're dealing with now. Blueprint is the expectations you have set for yourself in your life.So, maybe if you're 40 and you're a woman, you thought you'd be married with children by now. This is a blueprint. This is an expectation you've set on your life. And maybe if you're not, that's your life condition, what your actual reality is, you're feeling disappointed. You're feeling this expectation hangover. How come I'm 40 and not married and without children? This is terrible because in my blueprint, in my expectation, that's what I was expecting. What can be done? Well, it's pretty simple.
If we look at it as an equation, that's why I like to use this example, you can either change LC, (your life condition), or Blueprint (your expectations). In the case of this woman who's not married yet or doesn't have children, maybe she can take some steps towards, obviously, finding a relationship, having children, etc., that would be changing the Life Condition, but it could also be to change her Expectations (Blueprint) around what her life ‘should’ look like. This does not mean ‘giving up’ on her dreams, but rather shifting perspective and seeing that other blueprints could also work.
This is so important. I really can't stress how important because if we get stuck in a model that we believe is how life should be, how our work should be, how our health should be, then we're setting ourselves up for chronic disappointment, chronic expectation hangover. If you want chronic expectation hangovers, if you're hooked on them, this is an easy, easy road. Just continuously expect things that cannot happen and you will be continuously disappointed.
In the case where the reality (life conditions) cannot be changed. For instance, if you always wanted to be a professional ballet dancer, and you’re now 60 - it’s probably not going to happen. That’s when the blueprint (expectations of what your life ‘should’ look like) needs to change. If you can do something about it, then it’s a power combination between taking action (changing your Life Conditions), and managing your expectations (Blueprint)
High Standards & Compassion
Now what happens with things that can be reached but we just haven't reached them yet or we're not sure we can reach them? Let's say it's something you can do. Maybe you could start your own business at one point, or maybe you could grow it to 7 figures, or maybe you could start exercising again, but you feel like when you try, you keep failing. It's not as easy as you thought. You're not really reaching the results you were hoping for.
How do you deal with those disappointments and those expectations? Because in this case, it's not a matter of radically removing the expectations, whereas that would be the case if your life conditions has changed so much that you can't actually meet your expectations.
In this case, it's a matter of: How do you keep these high standards, these high results you're aiming for, all while appreciating where you're at? And this is where things get really tricky because you don't want to lower the bar too low because that decreases motivation, it also makes you less likely to reach any goal and it leads to less fulfillment. Actually having big ambitious goals does help with motivation, ambition, progress, growth, and it helps you to feel more fulfilled. Having great goals is still fantastic.
Yet, if these goals become the expectation, you just expect that you will reach this stage in your business, for instance, or in your health or relationships. Then when you don't reach it, that’s when expectation hangover kicks in all over again! (and again, and again!) So how do you manage to have these goals that you're aiming for, you're excited about, but at the same time not feel so low that you're not there yet?
And this is where you need this magic formula of high standards and compassion for the journey. High standards are your vision, but not your expectations!
Expectation is: ‘This should happen and if it doesn’t happen, I will feel low, depressed and like a total failure.’ Expectation is believing that it should come served on a plateau and if you're not getting it immediately, then you're dissatisfied and frustrated.
High standards and vision is: ‘I am going to sign up to go on this hike all the way to the top of the mountain. We'll see if I get there, but that's the vision. I can see the top of the mountain, and I am committed, and I'll do everything I can to reach the top of the mountain.’ But if for whatever reason, altitude sickness, weather conditions, I get stuck three quarters of the way and have to go back, I at least know that I did my very best and I enjoyed the climb and the hike till there.
The magic formula for mastering (and avoiding) expectation hangover is:
High Standards & Vision + Compassion for the Journey.
Walking the Line
Mastering high standards and compassion can be tricky, because if you are too complacent, then it's not high standards enough and then you feel disappointed in yourself for not having done your best. So you don't want too much complacency, but you don't want too many high expectations either (that’s when you lack compassion).
In my mind, this like walking on a tight rope and not falling on one side or the other, not falling complacency, not falling expectation hangover. Instead of falling down the road of complacency, you choose to have compassion for the journey, gratitude for where you're now, for each step that you're doing along the way, enjoying the process, enjoying the journey, and at the same time, keeping the long term vision in mind.
Check in with yourself and ask: ‘Am I too complacent or do I set myself up for expectation hangover?’ Depending on your personality, you probably have a tendency to do one or the other more. There probably is one aspect of your life (or work) where you're constantly maybe in expectation hangover or constantly in complacency.
If you're constantly on the complacent side of things, this means: less actions, less progress, less movement and momentum. On the other hand, if you're constantly in expectation hangover, that means a lot of actions, a lot of movement, but constantly dissatisfied and frustrated.
Funnily enough both sides envy each other. The overly high achievers with chronic expectation hangovers envy the complacent people because they're so satisfied. They maybe have achieved a lot less, and made less progress, but they're happy and they're fulfilled in their life. People that are more complacent, maybe less of a high achiever mindset and personality, envy the high achievers that seem to be making all these big progress.
You don't want to be either extreme. You want to be somewhere grounded, balanced in the middle. Appreciate the journey. Take your baby steps. Learn. Fail. Start again. Have that clear vision in mind, and enjoy the process.
One last very important point here is most of the time, the high achievers that I work with, they are always aiming for these big, lofty goals and they get very disappointed if they don't reach them because they're seeking internal but also external validation through them. Once you're able to find within you the notion that you're worthy as you are, that you don't need to achieve anything to prove your worthiness to the world, that achieving these goals and this progress, it's just for the journey, it's just for growing, for fun, for contribution and impact, then there's a little less pressure and there's a little less need and desperation to prove to the world that you're worthy. You don't need to prove anything to anyone.
It’s all about the journey, it's about the balance, and it's about aiming for goals that matter to you for your own progress, fulfillment, and contribution.
Expectation hangovers only ever happen because at some point, you made a decision that ‘this specific goal’ will make you happy. Instead, if you shift to ‘working towards this goal’ will make you happy - that’s when true fulfilment comes in, and the expectations drop, and the joy increases!
Thank you for reading,
And… Enjoy the journey,
Katie
ps: This article is loosely based on the transcript of my podcast episode ‘The Focus Bee Show’. To listen to the episode, you can find it HERE.